I watched Monster Dog this weekend and now I’m going to tell you all about it so that you don’t have to. You’re Welcome.
The movie starts with an awesome music video.
We meet Vince (Alice Cooper). He’s a rock star with a little black rain cloud of sadness in his past. It’s time for him to shoot a new music video. Why not shoot the video in his hometown? No biggie. He just hasn’t been back in 20 years – y’know… since THE TRAGEDY. He and his video crew (including girlfriend/video director, Sandra) climb in the Mystery Machine and make the trek back home.
Cut to Vincent’s childhood home. It’s all deserted with the exception of a loyal groundskeeper, who’s preparing to receive the prodigal son and his friends with snacks. Everything’s going great until he is suddenly greeted at the door with evil puppy dogs who promptly eat him.
The gang finds themselves on a dark, foggy mountain road and are soon met with a roadblock. Local law enforcement warns them that packs of wild dogs are roaming around killing people. I sense plot development!
The gang drives on and the cops are swiftly killed – not by wild dogs, but by something bigger. What was that? Some kind of… MONSTER DOG?
Vince and pals pull up to the Scooby Doo mansion. Groundskeeper Willie is strangely absent.
Vincent quickly gets over the absence of the only remaining figure from his childhood and everyone settles in. Being back home brings up a lot of bad memories for Vincent. He decides to go do some reading in the library. He’s got his dark and painful past to ponder.
Turns out Vincent’s daddy was killed by the townsfolk on suspicion of werewolferism. Uh-oh. Is there monster dog blood in Vince’s family?
Enough brooding over the past, these crazy kids are here to shoot a music video! Vincent/Alice Cooper puts on make-up like a champ – I see this scene as somewhere between Elizabeth Taylor and Annie Lennox. It’s magical.
The video shoot is interrupted by Groundskeeper Willie’s body unexpectedly crashing through a window, causing Angela to lose her marbles and go running off in the wilderness. Vincent has to go after her – looking spectacular in his music video rocker getup, wielding a shotgun.
Local yokels show up to cause trouble (Is that El Guapo?).
Vincent’s friends let them in the house to talk things over. Not a good idea, guys. All hell breaks loose. Yokels start attacking everyone. Wild dogs show up. There’s a major body count. Then Monster Dog shows up, and so does Vince right after. Coincidence??? Everyone gets separated.
Sandra discovers Vince downstairs getting along with the wild dogs. Were the yokels right? Could Vincent be… MONSTER DOG????!!!
Hmmm. Things are looking pretty suspicious. Vincent and Sandra are the only survivors. They try to get away, but a monster dog attacks. Vince is bitten.
Left with no choice, Sandra shoots him. Several times. The End.
We’re left to ponder. Did Vince have monster dog blood in him all along or was it just destiny? Who cares? Let’s watch the opening music video again, cos suddenly I feel like it’s the best song ever.
Originally posted on kissthechicken.com