Okay, guys, I’m going to recap this baby as we go. Experience my reactions as I experience them, and, thus, we will become one. Here we go:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a “You have failed this city” within the first two and a half minutes of this show. Oh, how I have missed it!
Oliver tries to compliment Roy on a job well done and he shrugs it off like a sullen teenager. Oh, Roy, I forgot you had so many “issues” to work through. Sigh.
Dig has heart-to-heart with Oliver and tells him that he knows he loves Felicity and it’s time he did something about it. I am crying. I’m not even exaggerating.
Cut to a flashback. Oliver is being chased through Hong Kong and his wig is making him sweaty. In the midst of the chase, he dashes into an internet cafe to email his mom that he’s alive.
Unfortunately, bad dudes shoot up the computer before he can hit send and the chase continues.
Back to the present. Laurel has a surprise for Ollie. Quentin Lance is about to give a speech and he looks adorable in his uniform. (Is anyone else here feeling their heart fill to the brim with sweet father-figure feelings???). Lance declares Arrow a hero and calls off the hunt for the vigilante. Yay! Everyone loves Arrow! Oliver looks on, surprised and touched. I’m getting teary again.
Peter Stormare waltzes in to some sloppy bad guys’ hangout lair, sounding like Mark E. Smith from The Fall. Count Vertigo 2.0 is here, ya’ll! hallucinogenics for EVERYONE!
Oliver takes Dig’s advice and asks Felicity out on a DATE date. I am screaming. Ahhhhhh!! IS OLICITY FINALLY GOING TO HAPPEN????
Arrow crew is back at work chasing bad dudes. Dig calls up Felicity for help, but… Felicity is busy working her day job at… TECH VILLAGE. It seems to be some sort of combination of Radio Shack and Best Buy. Oh, Felicity, honey, not all of us were born millionaire playboys. Somebody’s gotta be the responsible one.
I’m imaging her waking up to a radio alarm clock that plays “She works hard for the money DUN-DUN DUN-DUN Soo hard for it, honey!” every morning. (Tracy just pointed out to me that at least her lipstick is on point and it is, baby. Oh, yes, it is!)
Arrow helps Lance punch out a bad dude in the sewer and announces he has to jet. Lance is all, “What? You got a hot date or somethin’?” and I am giggling like a school girl.
Flashback. Amanda Waller is smacking Oliver around in Hong Kong, trying to get him to work for her. (I can’t remember… does Dig know that Oliver and Waller know each other???) Oliver refuses. Waller’s lackey has to push him around some more…
Back at Tech Village. Some young gentleman is trying to buy fancy gadgets to hack satellite feeds – something Felicity knows all about. He recognizes her as thee Felicity Smoak who used to work for Queen Consolidated and… why are we not feeling suspicious right now? Are we trusting random young dudes trying to buy hacking equipment and know who Felicity is and who she used to work for?? Why aren’t your spidey senses tingling, Felicity?!
Dig and Lyla are at a doctor’s appointment and Lyla is super duper 9 months pregnant. There’s a cute exchange where the doctor refers to Dig as Lyla’s husband and they both correct him, “EX HUSBAND!” and then they get all giggly and adorable.
HOLD EVERYTHING. Oliver just zip-line’d into a restaurant for his hot date with Felicity, wearing a suit and tie under his Arrow get-up. I AM DYING.
OLICITY IS HAPPENING!!!! They both look so pretty and they just hugged and are being super awkward. I LOVE IT! Then Felicity says this, while trying to explain why they shouldn’t be nervous since they’ve already covered everything that usually happens during first date conversation, “And I’ve already seen you shirtless…multiple times…. shirtless… all the time.”
Oliver gets all “real” and tells Felicity about Hong Kong and how he’s done things… bad things… but Felicity snapped him out of being a detached man-hunter. I’m starting to get nervous that this isn’t going to end well. What wrench is going to get thrown in the works of Olicity to stop it from being everything I want it to be?? I just want them to get married and have lots of babies and live happily ever after!!!!
Oh, snap! Count Vertigo is totally going to crash this party… with a rocket launcher.
(You guys, I am really enjoying Stormare as Count Vertigo so far. He is delightful.)
Well, dinner’s ruined. Felicity is hurt. Oliver is PISSED. And now he’s blaming his Felicity-feelings for being distracted and allowing this to happen. Oh, Ollie, just stop it. STOP IT! A quick phone call to Lance and they’re all on the case.
Arrow and Lance are crawling around the Count’s lair, when out he pops out from the shadows and quickly injects our hero with a dose of the dreaded vertigo… Here we go again, friends! It’s super hard to punch bad guys when you are TRIPPING BALLS! Uh-oh! Arrow is hallucinating and the Count’s face turns into Oliver’s and now Arrow is being punched out by himself! Ahh! So confusing! So wonderful! It’s all a blur! Fancy dinner-date Oliver and Green Arrow Oliver are really going at it. I can’t even take a screenshot because they’re like two cranky alley cats turning into a Hanna-Barbara swirl of fur and claws. Luckily, Lance has his back and the Count is distracted from dealing a deadly blow, but, oh no! Lance is having a heart attack? Whatever it is, it’s not good, but Arrow has enough time to stick an arrow in the Count’s back and call 911 for help.
Back at Arrow headquarters Felicity is magically healed up from being in an explosion and Oliver’s all “We gotta talk.” NO YOU DON’T, OLIVER! STOP CRUSHING MY DREAMS!
Hong Kong flashback. The guy who’s been punching Oliver’s face into hamburger meat is now hosting him in his own home and nursing his wounds. He’s got a whip-smart wife and they’re about to feed him some chicken soup for the soul. Oliver is super confused. I sense this storyline is about to get very interesting!
Lance is in the hospital – cardiac arrest due to some complications with his meds. Laurel is lecturing him about going out in the field when he should be resting. The gist of Lance’s defense is that he’s like a shark. He’s gotta keep moving or he dies. Being a cop is all he knows. Awww, Lance, sweetheart, you gotta take care of yourself! Laurel wants her dad to be around a long time!
I’m just realizing that this episode is jumping around with time, like, A LOT. Apparently Lance has been in the hospital for days, so maybe Felicity wasn’t magically healed within hours. I don’t know. I need like a little corner of the screen to tell me what day it’s supposed to be and how much time has passed.
Oliver and Felicity are headed to the big Queen Consolidated board meeting that they’ve been prepping for all day/weekend/week/month and look who just walked in… it’s that handsome guy from Radio Shack (Tech Village) that I don’t trust. He’s Ray Palmer and he wants to buy you out, Oliver!!! DUN! DUN! I’m sensing trouble, you guys!
Now these two are taking turns giving speeches like they running for class president. Oliver gives a very moving, heartfelt speech about the company being his family. Then fancy tech-savvy Ray gets up there and wows everyone with gadgets and numbers and confidence. Not only does Ray want to reinvent the company, he wants to rebrand the city.
Oliver is NOT happy.
Oliver does this whole sore loser routine, like, I totally didn’t want Queen Consolidated anyway! That’s so, like, old me! and then basically hints at wanting to break up with Felicity.
Then Oliver totally tells Dig he can’t have it all. Dig’s not allowed to go out in the field because he’s going to be a father. Dig is NOT havin’ it.
Oliver doesn’t budge. This is his show, so he calls the shots. I hate when Oliver gets all “It’s all about me!” and hurts everybody’s feelings! I hate it! Knock it off, Arrow!
Uh-oh, there’s a boxing match and Count Vertigo is cheerfully whistling again. Something big is about to go down! Luckily, everyone in the Count’s employ is out on parole and wearing ankle bracelets – thus able to be tracked down by Felicity’s computer smarts. Also, has anyone else noticed how fancy Roy looks in his Red Arrow outfit?
And just like that our hero is once again injected with vertigo, poison dart style. Luckily, Black Canary is back just in time to help save the day! Yay! Am I clapping? Yes, I am clapping!
The whole team is rallying, despite Oliver having pretty much hurt all of their feelings at one point or another in this episode. Black Canary is cleaning house on the roof and I swear to you Felicity just commanded Roy to stop the bomb by freezing it to death with air conditioning. Oliver puts an arrow in Count Vertigo 2.0, but he’s all, “You cannot stop me. Strike me down and I only become more powerful! There will always be another Count Vertigo!” Well, that was the gist of it anyway. You get the idea. This whole vertigo thing ain’t gonna be that easy to do away with.
I am really sad we have to say goodbye to Stormare’s Count Vertigo so soon. He was such a joy.
Somehow Black Canary is all knowing and gives Oliver the same advice everyone else has been giving him this whole episode, but of course she says it in an awesome superhero way that he finally understands, “We are not our masks and we need people in our lives who don’t wear one.” I want to say that Sara is an Olicity-shipper. Is that going too far?
But guess what, guys? It was a good thing Dig wasn’t out in the fight tonight, cos he’s a new daddy!! Welcome, baby Diggle!
Oliver and Dig make up and there are warm fuzzy feelings all around.
But then Dig basically tells Oliver that he was right when he was being wrong and now that he’s a dad he totally understands where Oliver was coming from. Don’t you dare validate him right now, Diggle!
This brings on another Hong Kong flashback. Waller is threatening to hurt this dude’s kid if he can’t convince Oliver to work for her. Those bad guys can always get to you if they can hurt someone you love! ARROW, YOU ARE TEARING ME APART! This is not the lesson I wanted to learn tonight!
So many mixed messages! Speaking of mixed messages…
Oliver and Felicity are leaving the hospital and he says, “We have to talk.” Ugh, Oliver, you are such a drag. Felicity says she doesn’t want to talk, because “talking” means it’s over. Oliver bla-bla-bla’s about not being to have what he wants and also be The Arrow, so he can’t do this right now. Felicity tells him he can’t keep being wishy-washy and leading her on. Either it’s going to happen or not ever. So he pulls a super dick move and kisses her. I am SCREAMING!
This is for reals kissing, guys! Not kissing-for-Slade’s-benefit-but-also-because-feelings kissing! This is just feeeeelings kissing! But guess what, Oliver, you done ruined it. Felicity is mad. You can’t drag her heart around with maybe-someday’s and stomp on it every time you change your mind. Felicity leaves and Oliver is frozen like a statue and I can’t help but laugh, because this image is REALLY funny.
Then Oliver gets a phone call. Barry is awake and needs some advice… cue premiere episode of The Flash.
Sara and Laurel are catching up. Sara makes Laurel promise not to tell their dad she’s back in town just yet. Black Canary is here on business. Can’t wait to find out what it is! I really hope this show gives Laurel something interesting to do this season. Pleeeease.
Oh, snap! Just after Laurel walks away, someone calls Black Canary by her real name and pumps her full of arrows! She goes flying off the roof and lands at her sister’s feet. THAT IS HARSH!
Did Laurel just get primed? I’m speaking in action movie terms here – when our hero finally suffers enough tragedy – usually the death of a loved one – that they go active? Is Laurel gonna go active??? Holy macaroni! Sara’s killer was obviously someone she knew, too! WHO WAS IT?! AHHHH!
Why was this episode called The Calm? There weren’t nothin’ calm about it! If this was the calm before the storm, I might need some pills for my nerves! My goodness gracious!
Well, thank you for going on this journey with me, friends. Let us all tune in next week to find out what will become of our heroes…