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This Means War

This Means War

Okay, listen up, scented tampons, you suck. Why you even exist in the first place is a mystery to me, but let’s save that for another rant. Last month I accidentally purchased you. After spending an entire day wondering why it smelled like there was a zombie in my crotch I finally took note of the packaging and realized my blunder. Being economically disadvantaged, I could not afford to toss you in the bin like so much garbage and make another purchase to correct the grave wrong that had been dealt me. So I suffered. Oh, how I suffered.
This time ’round on the red wave, noticing my supplies low, I delightedly – nay, ECSTATICALLY made the trek to my local grocery store to replenish my stock of the favored sin fragancia ilk of tampon that I have come to rely upon. Perusing the “feminine products” aisle I discovered with shock and horror that almost every form of feminine hygiene product designed for my particular “flow” needs was SCENTED! Conspiracy!!!! Or some idiot employee who doesn’t realize there is a difference screwed up the order. (Or… CONSPIRACY!) Being tired and cranky et cetera, et cetera, I gave up and purchased a tampon lower on the threshold totem pole, but I warn you, scented tampons, you shall not best me again. This I vow. No matter what trickery or scare tactics you attempt to thrust upon me, I will not be had. I will drive all over the valley, no matter how fatigued, to every convenience store, grocer, and pharmacist in the city to circumvent you if I must. I shall be ready. Oh yes, I shall be ready.

Originally posted on

Angie (143 Posts)

Angie lives in a house with a Greg, two cats, and some plants. She works in an office doing officey type things. In her free time she enjoys playing music, drawing, and fantasizing about unicorns, zombies, and werewolves. You can find more of her writing at kissthechicken or follow her on twitter: @kisstheechicken


  • Dearest Angie,

    I can’t express how deeply mortified I am to have caused you offense. As a scented tampon, I was specifically designed to refresh and invigorate you and your lady parts. On behalf of all scented tampons, I would like to publicly apologize for any discomfort you experienced at the hands of careless vendors. It is, of course, the responsiblity of every merchant to provide a healthy variety of tampons for every lady in order to meet her unique needs. It seems that your local grocer is guilty of feminine hygiene product discrimination, an unfortunately common expression of sexism in the market, and my non-scented sisters were shamefully underrepresented in their selection. I suggest you withhold your business from said merchant until this inequity has been addressed appropriately. I would also like to gently suggest, dear Angie, that we scented tampons wish to be your allies in the war against an androcentric and discriminatory economic system. We speak to you not as scented-tampons, but as tampons, and more importantly, as products for women: we support you, sister! Let’s fight together for a better world with tampons and pads for every woman.


    One RepresentativeTracEy’s Scented Tampons

    • Angie,
      You wouldn’t believe how surprised I was when she jumped out of my purse and insisted on using my computer!


    • Dear Representative of TracEy’s Scented Tampons,
      I appreciate your candor in coming forward and expressing your support. While I can appreciate that my emotional words may have caused feelings of alienation and discomfort, I respect your enthusiasm and commitment to the sisterhood. I truly hope that my expression of dismay with your fellow scented friends in relation to my vagina hasn’t caused irreparable damage. I have since come to realize that there may be alternative uses for your species in my life. Here are a few examples: car air freshener, scented sashet for drawer/closet, cat toy, or in a pinch – a replacement for a smudge stick. I’m sure if I put my mind to it, I could come up with even more uses.
      Once again, I appreciate your comments and hope that you will feel free to revisit OTRM often.
      Best wishes and good luck in all your endeavors,

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