While it’s well established that I’ve embraced the way of the older lady, my uterus is still shedding away like I am a woman in my prime. Once and sometimes twice a month I am knocked out by whatever favorite euphemism you use for excreting the lining of your uterine wall through your cervix.
A few years ago my sister-in-law gave me a hot water bottle. I have used electric heating pads for my whole life, but it wasn’t until that gem of a woman my brother married introduced me to the hot water bottle that I knew relief. (If my writing is full of running on and the what not, just be aware that I am currently employing a hot water bottle to my nether regions as I type. That excretion of the lining through the cervix and that is going on and maybe making me not in my entirely right mind, just so’sn you know.)
For those of you who have not used a hot water bottle, let me tell you: You are missing out! Seriously. The bottle is all warm and heavy. It’s not like an electric pad that can sometimes be too hot, it’s just the right mild temperature. I don’t know about you, but I like a little pressure on my abdomen when I am menstruating. I used to make my husband sit on me, but apparently he has work to do sometimes and so sitting around on me for the one to two days I have heavy cramps is just not feasible. Now that my kids are enrolled in school I can’t bribe them to sit on me for hours at a time either. Enter the hot water bottle, the friend I never have to coax into relaxing with me.
I have also heard tale of people putting hot water bottles in their beds to warm them up at night. I think this is a fabulous idea. My kids sleep in one of the coldest rooms in our house, and I think I will be employing this practice this winter. I know that some people use electric blankets for this, but our house is almost 120 years old and has very few electrical outlets. Plus I’m sure that there has to be a Bones episode about someone dying in bed and decomposing quickly from their electric blanket, or if not there will be soon. I can just picture that and I don’t need to see that every time I tuck my kids in, OK? Plus I like that you can put it in the bed and take it out before you go to bed very easily.
My favorite thing in the world is to put on a good episode of Miss Marple, or Murder She Wrote, put my hot water bottle wherever I am ailing, pick up my knitting, and enjoy my old lady lifestyle. If this sounds like a party night to you, then you should get yourself a sweet rubber sack too!
My sister-in-law made me a cute little sweater cozy for the bottle she gave me, and I think it has made the hot water bottle experience that much better. I scoured Etsy for covers and here are some of the gems I came up with. Amazon sells hot water bottles, as does your local pharmacist, though if yours is anything like the one at Target they have them behind the counter for some reason? Probably because they know that hot water bottles are the shit and should be treated like the addictive substance that they are.